Saturday, March 6, 2010

Married To a Bigamist

Ever watch those Bud Lite commercials? I'm not what you call much of a drinker but I have become quite aware of those stupid commercials! One shows this couple enjoying each other's company. She is obviously waiting for him to find himself and commit to her and declare his love for her.

He, on the other hand, is finding it equally impossible to make his muscles and lips conform to the proper shape to express those golden words I love you." No matter how hard he struggles, that coveted message will not take form and she never hears the words she dreams to hear.

Finally the waitress comes around (with a bottle of Bud Lite). This suddenly unleashes his stiff and inflexible muscles and launches his obvious verbal skills, enabling him to express his great delight, devotion, and true love--for his Bud Lite. Of course; she quietly and quickly leaves him with the real love of his life.

Another such commercial shows Mr. Jocko offending his female companion. He extolls the warmth of his affection for his beloved, and you see her swell with pride as she anticipates becoming the fulfillment of his affection. The knife twists sudddenly when he holds up the real object of his supreme affection - bottle of Bud Lite.

These commercials convinced me of the truth of the beer commercial: Bud drinkers prefer their "Bud Lite" to all other companions. Take Billy for example.

Billy may or may not eat, but he drinks lots of beer--cases by the week--Bud Lite only! Fifteen years ago Billy married a wife but has yet to give her the affection and loyalty he gives Bud Lite. He has yet to produce a single 1040--not one--with a full year of support, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Of course, he has not held a regular job in a decade. Yet, he complains if his spouse does not provide his multiple cases of weekly Bud Lite and Skoal--the top of his want list.

He can no longer fulfill the normal conjugal relationships of marriage, let alone fulfill the obligations of making a living, or maintaining those normal relationships of an otherwise normal marriage.

Billy's wife has long since lost hope in the face of the overwhelming hopelessness of her broken marriage, which is NO marriage. She now knows the truth of that haunting spector of living with a bigamist--Billy is in fact married to "Bud Lite." He is never unfaithful or disloyal to Bud Lite--no matter the cost.

And I freely admit, I no longer trust "truth in advertising." There is no truth, only slanted half-truths. But, I have learned from observation that those beer commercials do tell a certain truth - Bud Lite, Miller Highlight, et al, ad infinitum ...

They may be costly, but they are plentiful, and they illustrate the stupidity of believing the fanciful life they idealize. In their wake, they leave a tsunami of broken marriages, and twisted lives, and warped truths. Something I learned a while back: 75 million family member number an alcoholic in their family.

Most people think drinking beer is a harmless social function. Perhaps. Statistics reveal, however, that this is wrong thinking. The fact of the matter is, beer is the most addictive drug we have in our extended list of addictive drugs. This is proved by the statistics that are available to anyone interested in learning the truth.

As I said earlier, I was never much of a drinker, but neither did I know the real truth (1) until I had to live with an alcoholic in my family, and (2) until I joined the speakers bureau and travelled for six years with the Michigan Interfaith Council on Alcohol Problems.


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